Hello, my name is Colin. Welcome to the 28th issue of The Wood Report, an eclectic smorgasbord of sports “news” and humor.
September has dawned and the days are becoming noticeably shorter. The air has turned a bit crisper and you can feel autumn creeping up. As you sip on a pumpkin flavored latte, you realize: this is football weather. Football season is just on the horizon and by the time the next newsletter comes out, football Sundays will be back on. Alongside NFL and college football, America’s other great pastime will also be in full swing. Fantasy Football. Millions of drafts are taking place this weekend, so this week’s Wood Report has decided to have it’s own fantasy-based focus.
This Week’s Main Story
“Fantasy Football teams” is one of the top 3 topics of discussion during any Sunday watching football. It’s inevitable. Anytime you see a score pop up along the bottom of the screen, someone will ask who scored, hoping it was the player they painstaking decided to start in the FLEX spot. The problem with discussing fantasy teams though is there is no connecting tissue between the players. It’s just a random collection of offensive skill position players that you pray have the game of the life 17 times a season.
That’s fine in the context of fantasy football leagues. But for the Wood Report, we want to make it more interesting. I want to find the best possible lineups possible under a very specific set of unnecessary criteria. So this week, I have scoured the deepest rabbit holes to assemble the six best rosters I can think of. The catch: All players on the roster must have the same first or last name. In doing so, we can determine the best Fantasy Football name. First, let’s go over the rules I will be working with.
Rules:
Player’s must have the same name contained somewhere in their name (first or last), but it cannot be their middle name. First names that are nicknames may also be allowed to extend to the full name. Ex. JuJu Smith-Schuster is eligible for the Juju team, the Smith team, the Schuster team, and the John team.
Positions: The roster will consist of 1 QB, 2 RBs, 2 WRs, 1 TE, 1 FLEX, and a D/ST. No Kickers. If you would like to know why, please refer to my previous breakdown of fantasy kickers in Issue #4.
For simplicity, we are ignoring bench players. Only starters will factor into our evaluation of the teams.
Any player from 1970 to present is eligible for selection.
All players are assumed to be at their peak. Career stats and consistency are taken into account, but we are getting the best version of that player.
Defense and Special Teams will be represented by a single player who meets the name requirement. I will specify what year of the defense is being used.
That’s all there is to it. I have ranked the 6 best teams I could come up with. This is what I consider to be the playoff teams in a full “All-Name League”.
#6 - Team Smith
This team begins with Emmitt Smith, who has an argument to be the best player in this entire project. He would easily get consideration to be the #1 overall pick of am all-time fantasy draft. Between 1991 and 1999, Emmitt finished as a top 5 running back 7 times, including the top back 4 times in a row. In those 4 years, he rushed for 6456 yards and 73 touchdowns. He was the most surefire player and he didn’t miss time with injury. That puts this team in contention no matter what.
Behind Emmitt, the WR corps helps push this team. Steve Smith finished as the best WR in 2005 and had a nice 7 year stretch where he was considered a WR1. JuJu Smith-Schuster is still young and showed incredible potential in his first two years in the league, though he has disappointed recently. Some of that could be attributed to the QB situation in Pittsburgh, and he still has the athleticism to be a WR1, but he is much more volatile. Rounding out is Torrey Smith, who is just about the platonic ideal of a WR2. In his first 4 years in the league he finished ranked as the WR #23, WR #24, WR #20, and WR #19.
This team is weak at QB and TE. Alex Smith only finished as a startable QB once in his career in 2017 when he was the QB #4. It was the only he threw for over 4000 yards or 25 TDs. Jonnu Smith is another player who only has 1 good year, last year, when he ranked 9th in a weak TE field. He will need touchdowns to be productive on this team.
The 2012 San Francisco D/ST was a fierce squad that employed two Smiths. They allowed the 2nd fewest points and the 3rd fewest yards in the league. Five times they held opponents to 7 or fewer points. Unfortunately they fell apart in the weeks 15 and 16, commonly the fantasy playoffs, allowing 34 and 42 points as well as over 500 yards to the Patriots. That is a disaster at a crucial time.
#5 - Team Jackson
This is the definitive boom-or-bust team on the list. The players on this list seem capable of exploding for career highs or becoming nigh invisible each and every week. The one consistent member of the team is QB Lamar Jackson whose 2019 campaign will go down as one of the most exciting fantasy season’s in history. As the best QB, and league MVP, he threw for 3127 yards and 36 touchdowns. What pushed him into rarified air was the addition of 1206 yards and 7 scores on the ground. A dual threat QB who adds value with his legs is a perfect QB for fantasy.
You never knew what you were gonna get from the WRs on this team. DeSean Jackson has tricked nearly every fantasy player into believing in him, only to tank the team into another loss. Even in his good years, he was wildly inconsistent. Here is his game log from 2013, when DeSean finished as the WR #10.
2 good weeks. 2 bad week. Wash, rinse, repeat. He might win you a week by going for 10 receptions, 195 yards, and a score. He would then follow that up by managing just 4 catches for 29 yards. He will always be remembered as the most maddening player to root for.
Malik Jackson represents the 2015 Denver Broncos D/ST, one of the greatest fantasy defenses of all time. They allowed more than 30 points just once during the season, and they scored touchdowns themselves. The defense was so good for fantasy, ESPN actually added it to the “Undroppable” list, reserved for the most elite players in the league. A defense! A spot that usually isn’t even looked at until late in drafts was worthy of being locked into your lineup to prevent any funny business.
#4 - Team Jones
You knew that Julio Jones was gonna make his way onto this list. Everyone’s favorite player to obsessively worry about when he inevitably appears on the injury report or is reported as being held out from practice for some nagging injury. And then, every Sunday, he suits up to dominate. He’ll limp and grimace in between each play, but as soon as the ball is snapped, he was 100% healthy. He’ll casually drop 250 yards like it’s nothing (which he has done 3 times). In his career, he has finished with at least 100 yards or a touchdown in 76 games, or 57% of his games.
Maurice Jones-Drew and Aaron Jones are touchdown machines in fantasy. Maurice started his career tallying double digit scores in 3 of his first 4 seasons. Aaron has done that in the past two seasons, including 2019 when he scored a league leading 19 times. These are guys that put numbers on the board. They are both bonafide RB1s.
You might be asking who Bert Jones and Brent Jones are. Both of them are top tier players of their era and are fantastic additions to this team. Bert was a top 3 fantasy QB 3 straight years from 1975 to 1977. He won the MVP award in 1976 when he threw for 3104 yards and 24 touchdowns. That might seem like an average season now, but relative to the time, it was was elite. Similarly, Brent finished as a top 3 fantasy TE 4 times in his career, despite never finishing with over 800 yards.
#3 - Team Michael
Our first team based on first names. The top 3 is where the teams gets real juicy, with some of the best fantasy players of all-time appearing. We’ll start with three wide receivers who are unquestionably some of the most coveted pass catchers in the fantasy world. Irvin had a stretch from 1991 to 1995 where he caught over 1200 yards each season and was easily a top 5 receiver. Thomas, whose Twitter handle is accurately @Cantguardmike, has been the first WR taken in drafts in multiple years, notably after his 2019 season when he caught 149 balls for 1725 yards. And Mike Evans has literally never had a season below 1000 yards, which seems impossible. He is a monster catching contested passes.
The RBs on this team are surprisingly solid. Michael Turner had a slow start to his career, but once he landed in Atlanta, he twice led the league in carries. His best year was 2008 when he gained 1699 yards and 17 touchdowns, ending as the 2nd best player in fantasy, just behind DeAngelo Williams. Alstott was never a top tier RB, but he spent much of his career as a solid RB2 as the workhorse in Tampa Bay.
Michael Bennet gives us the best year of the Legion of Boom. That Super Bowl winning defense was #1 in terms of points allowed, yards allowed, and turnovers, snagging a league high 28 interceptions.
The crown jewel of this team, though, is the incomparable Michael Vick, one of the most electric players in the game. With Vick’s rushing, he was a fantasy cheat code. In Atlanta, he was always a QB1 when he played at least 15 games. But even when he didn’t, he was still a league winner. In 2010, playing just 11 games, he finished as the very best QB by a wide margin, and one of the best players overall. His per game stats were unreal. It was this performance that prompted my favorite all-time hot take that had no chance of working out. The most famous fantasy guru in the world, Matthew Berry, penned this infamous Draft Day Manifesto where he advocated for taking Michael Vick with the #1 overall pick! Vick went on to end the year as the 11th best QB and the 67th best player in the league. Even with that catastrophic year, Vick is easily the best fantasy QB on this list.
#2 - Team Antonio
Here is what I believe will be the most controversial team.
Let’s get the name thing out of the way first. First, Tony Romo’s first name is actually Antonio so that checks out. As for Dorsett and Gonzalez, who are both Anthony’s, I posit that Anthony and Antonio are just variations on the same name. According to the Wikipedia for Antonio:
Is this taking a few liberties to make a fun team? Sure, but I think it is a defensible position.
Starting with the WRs, we have Antonio Brown who was the best wide receiver in the game for a half decade. He was often brought up in the conversation for first overall pick and rarely disappointed. He was a lock to be the first WR taken every draft. For 5 straight seasons, he was a top 3 WR. Every season he caught over 100 passes. Combined in those years, he went for 7646 yards and 59 TDs. Beside him is Freeman, who was the 2nd best WR in back-to-back season in 1997 and 1998.
In the RB department, we get an interesting duality in Dorsett and Gibson. Dorsett is the Hall of Famer who was elite year after year after year, and Gibson is going into his 2nd season in 2021, but has flashed the potential to be a dominate force in just his first year in the league.
Finally, the tight ends. Plural because I have made the bold decision to use the Flex position to roster a 2nd TE. Gates and Gonzalez are the players that redefined the tight end position, especially when it came to fantasy. They were the two best players at that position for a generation, paving the way for future guys like Gronk, Graham, and Kelce to blossom into their full potential. Between Gates and Gonzalez, they had 13 seasons as either the #1 or #2 TE. Just look at Gonzalez’s position rank even as he entered the later stages of his career.
Starting the jumbo package of 2 tight ends is not often the right move, but for Team Antonio, it’s a no brainer.
#1 - Team Johnson
The unquestionable best All-Name Fantasy Team. This is more like an All-Star Team, which is fitting considering the team has a total of 9 All-Pro nominations. Where do we even start? Should we start with the bad?
This team is built as if you traded all of your picks to acquire 5 first round picks, but then had to wait until Round 13 and 14 to finally pick a QB and TE. Lonnie Johnson is the least memorable player in this draft, his best finish coming as the TE #15. Brad Johnson had a single great season where he finished as the QB #5 while throwing to Michael Westbrook and Albert Connell in Washington.
Those 1st Round picks though. Whew. Let’s start with Chris, aka CJ2K. Chris is one of 8 players in NFL history to rush for 2000 yards. That year he was (obviously) the best player in fantasy. In his first 6 seasons, he had over 1400 yards from scrimmage every year, and missed just 1 game in that stretch. Behind him in the RB room is Larry, who finished as the 2nd best player in fantasy in back to back years in 2005 and 2006. Both seasons he finished with over 1700 rushing yards and added over 300 yards in receiving. He also scored 40 touchdowns in those seasons. That’s your RB2!
And somehow, the WR room is even better. Between Calvin, Andre, and Chad, they led the league in receiving yards 5 different times. With 9 top 5 WR finishes, all three are giving you guaranteed elite production. The best season of the group is probably when Megatron caught 122 balls for 1964 yards, still the single season record for receiving yards. Somehow he only caught 5 touchdowns that season, but still finished as the best WR. The year before, he had 1681 yards (12th all-time) and 16 touchdowns. This group would thoroughly obliterate any other team every single week.
The incredible thing about Team Johnson is the guys I had to cut. Notably, David Johnson was the unanimous best player in fantasy after a 2016 season of 2118 yards and 20 touchdowns. But he would be riding the bench here. Maybe Team David has a spot next to David Carr.
Quick shoutout to Chauncy, the rep for the 2020 Saints. The Saints are a very good defense, leading the league in interceptions last year. This is Chauncy’s 2nd appearance in the newsletter. Previously, he was highlighted for his unmatched ability to get opponents to punch him and get ejected.
Those are the best teams I could create. Did I miss an obvious name? Think you could do better? Comment your team that would muscle their way into the top 6 and make the playoffs in the All-Name League.
Gold Medal/Villain of the Week – Bishop Sycamore
This is one of the craziest sports stories of the year and deserves double recognition as incredible content and absolutely awful people. If you haven’t heard the story of Bishop Sycamore yet, get ready.
Context: Last Sunday, ESPN aired a high school football game between Florida’s powerhouse IMG Academy and Bishop Sycamore as part of the GEICO ESPN High School Kickoff. Bishop Sycamore is a relatively unknown school in Ohio, though they proport to have several Division I prospects on their roster. Broadcasters during the game admitted to being unable to verify that information and seemed to know almost nothing about the team. Bishop Sycamore was trounced by IMG, 58-0, raising more questions about the claim.
The fun part: Bishop Sycamore is straight up a fake school. It has no address or campus or building. Players were reportedly living in a hotel in Ohio to play football with the program. Many athletes were not high school aged, rather guys in their 20s who have had JUCO experience (which makes the domination by actual high schoolers even funnier). They somehow duped ESPN into broadcasting their game and ESPN apparently did zero research into the fake school. ESPN didn’t even realize Bishop Sycamore had just played a game on Friday night. A huge “got em” for the worldwide leader in sports.
The bad part: As bonkers and fun as the story is on the surface, there are less than ideal consequences for the real people involved. The head coach, who also might be the “athletic director” and the man who set it all up, has an ACTIVE arrest warrant. He allegedly paid for everything for the team with bounced checks, including the hotel rooms for the athletes. On the football side, playing two games of football in 3 days is highly dangerous for the players. These players seemed to scammed into joining the team as recruits desperate for a spotlight with promises of being in a Netflix documentary. Many relocated from out of state to be part of it and had no support system around them.
The fact that ESPN knew none of this when they went forward with this national broadcast is amazing. A massive collaboration of incompetence all around.
Is This How You Play?
If you don’t like this, you don’t like Pirates baseball.
Brutal cricket play.
College football is back baby.
News by the Numbers
$20 - The signing bonus for Jesperi Kotkaniemi from the Carolina Hurricanes after they offer-sheeted the Montreal forward. This is one of the pettiest hockey moves in years, but requires a little context. In the NHL, an offer sheet is a way for teams to acquire other teams’ restricted free agents. Team A offers a contract to a player on Team B. Team B then has the opportunity to either match the contract to keep the player, or let the player walk in exchange for draft pick compensation. It is a rarely used tactic. Since 2000, only 10 offer sheets have been signed including this one to Kotkaniemi. 8 of the previous 9 have been matched by the original team. Teams hate the offer sheet because it is an attempt to poach players or force the hand of cap strapped teams and NHL general managers all just want to be best friends with each other (rather than be ruthless strategists). So, before this year, the last offer sheet happened in 2019, when the Montreal Canadiens tried to flex their muscles as a big market team by offer-sheeting Carolina Hurricane Sebastian Aho at 5 years for $42.2 million. Carolina matched it to retrain Aho, but was pretty furious at having their hand forced to sign him to a contract earlier than expected and without being the team to negotiate the offer. This week, they get their revenge as the Canadiens work through a brutal cap situation. Kotkaniemi signed a 1 year, $6.1 million offer sheet with a signing bonus of $20. Kotkaniemi is a promising 21-year-old forward, but Montreal does not have the space to match the $6.1 million currently. The $20 signing bonus? Sebastian Aho wears #20 for the Hurricanes.
20 - The number of consecutive preseason wins for the Baltimore Ravens. After going 3-0 this preseason, the Ravens broke the record for consecutive wins in the preseason. This is completely meaningless.
25 - Age of Josh Allen, who is now the oldest starting QB in the AFC East. After the release of Cam Newton, Mac Jones was named the starter for the Patriots. Jones is 22, fellow rookie Zach Wilson is 22, and Tua is 23.
Homer Bias Restricted Area
Gerrit Cole is not only the best pitcher, he also gives the best interview clips. Here is his answer before a much anticipated matchup against Shohei Ohtani (he would end up striking out Ohtani 3 times).
End Of Restricted Area
The beginning of the football season might be my favorite part of the sports calendar. There’s just a great sense of excitement every time the ball is kicked off for the first time. I can’t wait for Thursday.
Good luck to all my readers in their actual fantasy football leagues this year. I hope all of you win all of your championships.
Don’t forget to like and subscribe to the newsletter. And share with anyone you know named Anthony, Antonio, or Michael.
Keep Sports Fun.
Colin
Twitter - @ColinRingwood12
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