Issue #40: More Weird Sports Injuries
No athlete is safe from the injury bug, lurking in the most unexpected places.
Hello, my name is Colin. Welcome to the 40th issue of The Wood Report, an eclectic smorgasbord of sports “news” and humor.
This Week’s Main Story
Everything in the playoffs comes under greater scrutiny. With fewer games to watch and the stakes higher than ever, there’s a microscope on it all. And one of the most impactful aspects of any series is the injury status of all players involved. In just the last few weeks there has been discussion about Kris Middleton’s absence from the Bucks, Jordan Binnington in and out of net as the Blues roll with a backup goalie against the best team in the league, and the weird injury streak of Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals between the Celtics and the Heat.
With all the injury news, I thought it would be fun to dive back into the well of non-traditional sports injuries. The headlines that made us go “Wait, what the hell happened?” Sure, we shrug when a pitcher gets Tommy John surgery or a running back strains his hamstring on a routine play. We move on because that happens dozens of times a season. The injuries that follow us for years after come from the most unexpected circumstance.
The Weirdest Sports Injuries
Reason for Injury - Being Friends with a Team Employee
In 2015, Blake Griffin was the LA Clippers’ star player. He led the team in scoring, was their most dynamic force, and quickly ascended to face of the franchise status. Even with Chris Paul and Deandre Jordan rounding out their Big 3, Blake was the focal point. He was well-liked, especially by team employees. One assistant equipment manager, Matias Testi, even had a genuine friendship with Griffin and Jordan. It was occasionally described like “something out of the buddy comedy “Entourage,” with Testi playing the role of the relative nobody along for the ride with his celebrity friends during dinners and other outings.”
During the 2015-16 season, Griffin had been dealing with a quadriceps injury that had kept him out for nearly a month. In late January, he was seemingly a few days from returning to the lineup when a dinner in Toronto sank that plan. The friendship between Griffin and Testi unraveled during that dinner until Griffin ended up fighting with Testi outside of the restaurant. Griffin broke his right hand from punching Testi in the face, keeping him out for an additional 2 months. Coupled with a 4 game suspension as a result of the altercation, Griffin didn’t return until early April and he played just 35 games that season.
The Clippers still held down the 4th seed in the Western Conference, though they lost in the first round of the playoffs. Testi did not work for the team the following season and Griffin would be traded 18 months later as they went through a major transition as a team.
Reason for Injury - Playing Gameboy
Lionel Simmons was drafted 7th overall in the 1990 NBA Draft to the Sacramento Kings. He was a versatile forward with a wicked spin move and great at rebounding. He might not have been the most athletic, but he found ways to score. He showcased that during his rookie season with the Kings. His production in that first year was good enough to earn a spot on the All-Rookie 1st Team. He had a bright future ahead of him.
Like most 22 year-olds fresh out of college, he was really into gaming. Like, really into it apparently. Lionel was addicted to playing his Nintendo Gameboy, which had been released in July 1989. Anytime he wasn’t playing or practicing for the Kings, Lionel would be gaming away. He gamed so much that he developed tendinitis in his right wrist and forearm. That injury forced him to miss two games during his stellar rookie season (the Kings were in the midst of a 9 game losing streak, so losing Simmons did not derail them too much).
The GM of the team Jerry Reynolds, 47 at the time, probably had no clue what a Gameboy was. His disbelief was noted in his quote:
It's not unusual for Lionel to be focused on something. But to hurt himself like that?
Reason for Injury - Bagpipes as a Hobby
Video games aren't for everyone, but other hobbies can be just as dangerous to athletes. Even something as benign as musical talent can get them. Take goalie Glenn Healy, a 15 year veteran of the NHL. The journeyman netminder was on several different team, including winning a cup with the NY Rangers, and was rarely an injury concern.
Healy was known for his bagpipe playing ability. In the off-season of 2000, Healy was repairing a WWI bagpipe he had in his possession. The bags had been glued to the instrument, so to replace them, he took a knife to the bags. The knife slipped and went into his hand. According to Glenn, “I looked at my hand and went, ‘oh, better not do that again.’ So I got scissors … and they slipped again, and I ended up looking down at my hand, and you could see bone.”
This injury came right before training camp, but Healy was able to return by the start of the season, though it would end up being his final one in the league. He's still a pretty good bagpipe player in retirement.
Reason for Injury - Hitting a Home Run
One of the best feelings in sports has to be a come from behind walk off homer. For Kendrys Morales, that elation lasted only as long as it took for him to get back to round the bases. In 2010, the Angels faced the Mariners at Angel Stadium. In the bottom of the 10th inning of a tied game, first baseman Morales stepped into the box with a chance to win. With bases loaded and only 1 out, he just needed to hit it deep enough to score from 3rd.
Instead, on the first pitch, Morales went 402 ft deep to center, a grand slam to walk it off. The team rushed over the wall to meet the hero at home plate. As he approached, Morales threw his helmet and did a small hop into the mob. And suddenly he was on the ground, celebration quickly turning to concern. He was clearly in a lot of pain on the ground in the middle of the swarm. After the game, it came out that he had broken his lower leg.
In 2009, Kendrys finished 5th in MVP voting and in 2010 was leading the team in average, home runs, and RBIs before the incident. This injury ended his 2010 after 51 games and kept him out all of 2011 as well.
Reason for Injury - Wearing Cowboy Boots
Wade Boggs is one of the greatest pure hitters in MLB history and also such a mythical figure that almost any tale told about him is instantly believable. There's basically an entire episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia dedicated to this phenomenon. It goes without saying that he would make his way into this list eventually.
The 1986 season was a big one for our man Boggs. The All-Star 3rd baseman had won the batting title 2 of the previous 3 seasons and he was primed to claim the crown again. He started the season as hot as any player could be. So hot that in the middle of that season, The Sporting News would run a cover story pondering if Boggs could hit .400 for the year.
Shortly after that story, fate would come for Boggs. In a hotel room in Toronto one night, Wade took off his cowboy boots for the night. At least, he tried to. In the act of removing his footwear, the big man lost his balance, falling into the arm of his couch. Unable to cushion his fall, he smashed right on his ribcage causing severe bruising and trouble taking deep breaths.
He attempted to play through the injury, but he was clearly limited. He went just 3 for 13 with 3 walks over the next week before having to be pulled from the game due to the pain. He missed a week to heal and returned to his elite hitting dominance. While he did not end up hitting .400, he still led the league at .357. That rib injury was probably not the difference, but it's interesting to think if it affected him the rest of the season.
The moral of all these stories? If you're an athlete that wants to avoid missing time, don't do anything. Don't have friends, don't have hobbies, don't celebrate anything.
Gold Medal – The Pittsburgh Pirates
It’s not often in the current era that the Pirates can claim a gold medal in anything. The tanking franchise has been rebuilding for a fw years, reaching a low last year with 101 losses. Any team in the middle of a rebuild needs something to build on though. On May 15th, they had one of the best wins of any team this season. Can you see what’s wrong with this boxscore though?
Keen eyes will recognize that the Pirates won the game 1-0 while also getting no-hit by the Reds pitching staff. Two Reds’ pitchers combined to throw a no-hitter and lost, marking the 6th time in MLB history this has happened (last time in 2008). How did this occur?
Hunter Greene had been dealing, with just a couple blips. Through 7 innings, he had struck out 9 batters and issued 3 walks, but he had yet to give up a hit. Every half inning, he would return to the dugout to watch his own offense display their incompetence to keep the game tied at 0.
Greene came out to pitch the 8th and quickly induced a groundball out to the first batter. Then it all came undone. He walked the subsequent 2 batters and was pulled from the game having thrown 118 pitches. The Reds turned to Art Warren to continue the no-hit bid. Warren promptly walked the first batter on 4 straight balls to load the bases. Next Warren faced Ke’Bryan Hayes. The third baseman grounded out on a fielder’s choice to the 2nd baseman, but crucially pushed a man across home. Warren got the next batter to popout to end the inning, but the damage was done. He could only sit and stare as the Reds final 3 batters got out in the top of the 9th, ending the game.
This loss especially hurts for the Reds, who’s pitching staff has been an abject failure through the first 40 games. At writing, the Reds staff has a 5.69 ERA (no one else is above 5.00), and are walking 4.4 batters per 9 innings (no one else is over 4.0). They pitched the best game of the season for the team, yet the offense could not manage a single run of support.
The Pirates have one of the worst offenses in the league (3.4 runs per game, 28th in MLB), yet were able to win despite not being able to hit. That seems worthy of celebration to me.
Villain of the Week – Patrick Beverley
Patrick Beverley, an all-time shit talker and elite heel of the league, was given a national platform on Stephen A. Smith’s show, and he did not throw away his shot. He made the most of the golden opportunity to go scorched earth on any and every player he had beef with.
CP3 was the main target of his rants. PBev asserted that no one was scared Paul, called him a “Cone” on defense, and even questioned why he was considered the one of the greatest point guards. It was an evisceration. Paul wasn’t the only target though. Beverley went in on Devin Booker, James Harden, Kyrie Irving, Jimmy Butler. Even Grayson Allen caught some strays. No one was safe. He’s been invited back multiple times, and brings the same passion and fire to the debate that he does on defense on the court.
Patrick has quickly carved out a spot on an sports talk show he wants once he’s finished playing.
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Is This How You Play?
Is this how you field a ball to first?
The absolute most embarrassing way to strike out.
Is this how you run the bases?
Do you guys want help?
Never forgot that MVP Nikola Jokic was drafted while we all enjoyed a Taco Bell commercial.
Is this how you interview Patrick Mahomes?
Slingshot. Engaged.
News by the Numbers
0 - Wins by the Toronto Maple Leafs in the playoffs when they have a chance to advance since 2016. They are 0-9 in closeout games of a series, including two losses this year in the first round after going up 3-2. They are 1-10 when leading the series and 4-12 coming off a win. For a team that hasn't won a playoff series since 2004, this is brutal to see. They cannot close.
45 - Total goals scored by the Oilers and Flames in the 2nd Round Battle of Alberta. A very “defense optional” display. At 9 goals per game, it had the chance to enter the ranks of highest scoring playoff series of all time. We were unfortunately robbed of that chance after Connor McDavid finished the series in OT of Game 5. One more game at that average would put it tied for 15th. A full 7 games series would have put it in sole possession of 2nd. For reference, the highest scoring series was Edmonton vs Chicago in 1985. The two teams scored 69 goals (nice) in just 6 games (11.5 goals per game).
4,528 - Plate appearances by Anthony Rendon as a righty. On May 10th, in a blowout game, he decided to take a shot batting from the other side of the plate. He promptly hit a homer in his first appearance as a lefty. Maybe he's been a switch hitter all along?
161 - Home runs at Angels Stadium hit by Mike Trout, setting the stadium record. He passed fellow fish-named Angels player, Tim Salmon. Trout did it 661 home games, while Salmon took 847 games.
3 - Number of 2-point field goals attempted by Davis Bertans during the 2022 playoffs. In his first 14 games, he attempted 41 threes and 0 twos in 159 minutes. It wasn't until Game 3 of the WCF that he shot (and made) a 2 pointer.
80-1 - Odds for Rich Strike to win the Kentucky Derby. His victory was the second biggest upset in Kentucky Derby history. After spending much of the race in the back, he finished in 2:02.61, three-quarters of a length in front of favorite Epicenter. After his win, he also tried to bite another horse, to assert dominance I assume.
Homer Bias Restricted Area
For the 3rd time in 6 years, the New Jersey Devils have won the NHL draft lottery and moved up in the draft order. This time, they just from 5th up to 2nd. It's an outstanding run of luck for a team that is trying to rebuild from the very bottom. It might actually be the work of the Devil. The previous two wins brought them the core of the future; Captain Nico Hischier and All-Star youngster Jack Hughes.
Aaron Judge deserves as much money as he wants if he keeps mashing the way he is right now.
End Of Restricted Area
Thanks for reading this week. Be safe out there; I don't want any of my readers ending up on my weird injuries list.
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Keep Sports Fun.
Colin
Twitter - @ColinRingwood12
The Buzzer Beater
I would love for this to be true.
